Balance

How does one balance all the different aspects of their lives?

I look back at the person that I once was. I look far, far back to the toddler Carrie (yes my memory is very long and precise), the child Carrie, the adolescent Carrie, the teenage Carrie (god help my parents), the young adult Carrie, and now the mommy Carrie. So have I changed? Have any of you really changed? Do we want to? Many people might say that I really haven't changed. I look at myself, and think "boy I really haven't changed!" I am still a great person, a funny person, a vain person, can still get my BITCH hat on, still have a temper, still have no patience for stupidity (including my own at times), still caring, and passionate, spiritual, emotional, strong, loud, inappropriate/annoying (just to see how others react for my own entertainment purposes only), determined, generous, incredibly thoughtful, realistic, and loyal.

I use all of these attributes god gave me and I basically... well just live. Now throw in a major life altering traumatic event and try to keep balanced. I hate that I keep talking about how hard life is for us, but it is HARD! I know life is all just how you look at it. I try and convince myself every day that it's not hard it just is what it is. And maybe Sam's care is not that "hard" anymore because you get use to it. And maybe learning to live with the fact that my baby may never do this and that is not that "hard" anymore (doesn't mean it doesn't hurt) but you get use to it and that becomes OK too. You learn to accept certain things. But... what I do find so hard is trying to balance every aspect of my life each and every day, and trust me it is a constant struggle.

Making decisions about when, why, what, and how to do things and knowing the ramifications if you are wrong kills me. Knowing when to be kind, assertive, curt, playful, etc. with all of the people I have to deal with on a daily basis just throws me into a gigantic tornado where I just want to yell STOP! Having to balance the feelings I feel, my emotions and at the same time keep my cool for my son and those around me and also being careful not to step on toes or hurt any one's feelings is just beyond exhausting...(sigh).

Example... Here comes the roller coaster again... Yesterday Sam had a follow-up eye doctor appointment. Before I even stepped into the day I knew this appointment was not going to be good. The doctor is wonderful and we didn't have to wait, not even for a minute. We were in and out of there within 1/2 hour. So within that 1/2 hour it was determined that Sam has a drift in his left eye which can lead to blindness in that eye if we don't patch his right eye two hours a day. And even that may not be enough to fix the problem. Imagine the enormous pit in my stomach at the thought of the slightest possibility that my child, on top of EVERYTHING else mind you, may lose his sight out of his left eye. Of course I was on the verge of tears but I'd never cry, at least not in front of anyone. So here I am with baby and nurse in tow my mother waiting in the car, plop Sam into the car seat, put on his eye patch, trying to keep my cool, all the while the nurse is saying we should wait until we get home for the eye patch about 10 different implicit ways, my mother asking me twice what happened in the doctor's office, me saying don't worry about it it doesn't matter, then getting a "thanks a lot Ca" because I obviously offended her. All the while I am trying to keep it in the breath and then I got one more annoying comment and finally SNAPPED! I said something nasty to my mother; she got mad at me and stayed that way for a few hours. I can't say I blame her because when the bitch comes out everyone get on their thickest armor. I can be absolutely scary or at least stick the knife in and turn it in just the right way. I don't mean to be this way. I don't want to be mean. I want to be mellow and kind. I am sick of fighting the battle of the everyday maybe you should do it this way versus that way. I wish I could just tune everyone out and not care how many times things are said that bother me.

My question is when is enough enough? How many times do I have to say, "I'd rather not talk about this now, or I am not comfortable with this, or I would prefer if we did it this way." My limit is 3 times. You get 3, everyone out there gets three. If I have to repeat myself to the same person 3 times, well run. If you ask me three times, run. If you bombard me with 3 things when I am already overwhelmed, run. My limit is 3. In this I have changed. My limit use to be 2. I would grow impatient after 2. I honestly would like there to be no number. I would LOVE it if I had the power and the mental where with all to just let it slide…

I have asked many parents in my situation what it is they do. You know, how do they react to those who have the best intentions of course but are adding a little bit too much to the plate at the time and do not get the point after the first few times that they say back off for now. Please do not get me wrong. My intention was not to single out my mom or my nurse. Both are AWESOME and only have the absolute best intentions for Sam and myself. But in my specific situation I am constantly walking on the edge of a very steep cliff. My nerves are shot. So anyone and everyone on any given day could really push me over that edge without even realizing what they are doing. I know we can't control others, only ourselves. So I am asking for advice. What would you do if you were constantly being bombarded? Is there really a nice way of saying fuck off? I dunno, anyone care to give it a whirl? How do you balance being kind, tough, assertive, etc…?