Saturday, March 1, 2008

Scott's Pen

Friday night and I am sitting at my computer tears running down my face searching for something on the Internet that can make things better (not porn), I need a more permanent wholesome fix for my son, wife and myself. Sometimes our situation hits me hard and fast and I just cry alone. Today my wife emailed me a listing of a beautiful home in Livingston, out of our price range given our circumstances. Desperation and fear consumes me. How am I going to keep going? What kind of life am I going to be able to provide my family? Can I give them everything they need and what exactly is that, health maybe, wealth maybe too?

32 years old in a few weeks and I feel old and tired. I used to wish for death but I don't any longer. I just wish for peace of mind, body and soul. Will it come???? Things have to get easier but tomorrow new challenges await. School, more therapy? FUCK. THIS SUCKS!!! No one should EVER have to think when looking at their son sleeping about surgery, breathing, walking, and talking. Please call me daddy. I should be looking at him thinking about all the good times we are going to have but the sad reality of it is that I don't know and not knowing is the scariest thing in the world. I know we all don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that in a few hours from now, I will wake up hold my son and begin medication and therapy once again for another day.

My poor baby. What can he be thinking? I wish I could climb into his crib with him, hold him and tell him that everything will get better. WILL IT? This empty feeling is awful. His life is awful but am I right to say this. Sam does not know the difference. What kills me at times is when Carrie and I are eating lunch and he is lying on the floor looking at his. "What are mommy and daddy doing and why are they not with me". My heart breaks every day. I love you Sam and I love you Carrie. I promise to continue to fight for both of you every day and I will not rest until peace of mind, body and soul have been attained. Soon my love, soon.

6 comments:

Barbara said...

Wow! I think you are providing them with the highest level of love they can recieve!

Keith said...

Out of all the people I know Scotty, you are by far the most capable of supporting your family and giving them the love they need. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to keep moving forward and giving Sammy and Carrie a good life. I mean damn dude, you sold a Gucci suit to some broke guy(that looked like my family) at the Englishtown Auction. If you can do that, you can do anything. Stay strong buddy and call me anytime(hopefully soon). I love ya man(in a platonic sort of way).

Vanessa said...

Hey Scott...this situation is bad but we have to put one leg in front of the other and keep moving and the good thing is you are not alone. Carrie and Sam are right there with you! (not to mention a few more families just like YOU...ie us. And my husband reminds me that if Giuli didn't give up after over 8 minutes of literal death, than why should I? Sam is not giving up and doing SO good! It's just so damn slow! But it's forward man. :)

Debbie said...

Amen Daddy...I'm standing here at the computer crying with you. Faith, love, compassion and strength my friend -- you possess them all.

Anonymous said...

Josh and I are ALWAYS thinking of you and praying for Sam's (and yours and Carrie's, too) well-being. Your words were so strong and full of love and raw emotion, I couldn't help but cry with you. I can't even pretend to give words of advice or guidance - you will do what you have to do, but I can tell you that writing about your feelings is so so good, no matter how hard they are to get out or how many tears fall.
There are so many things I want to say... but we love you is first and foremost. Kisses to that gorgeous little boy! And tell Carrie to put that bitch hat on whenever she needs to and not feel bad! You are amazing parents and an inspiration to all of us.
Love,
Ali

Nicole said...

Scott,
You are doing such a good job as dad and husband. I know they love and appreciate your dedication. Continue to stay strong. You have a lot to live for. They need and love you so much. Keep up the great work.

Nicole S.