Friday night and I am sitting at my computer tears running down my face searching for something on the Internet that can make things better (not porn), I need a more permanent wholesome fix for my son, wife and myself. Sometimes our situation hits me hard and fast and I just cry alone. Today my wife emailed me a listing of a beautiful home in Livingston, out of our price range given our circumstances. Desperation and fear consumes me. How am I going to keep going? What kind of life am I going to be able to provide my family? Can I give them everything they need and what exactly is that, health maybe, wealth maybe too?
32 years old in a few weeks and I feel old and tired. I used to wish for death but I don't any longer. I just wish for peace of mind, body and soul. Will it come???? Things have to get easier but tomorrow new challenges await. School, more therapy? FUCK. THIS SUCKS!!! No one should EVER have to think when looking at their son sleeping about surgery, breathing, walking, and talking. Please call me daddy. I should be looking at him thinking about all the good times we are going to have but the sad reality of it is that I don't know and not knowing is the scariest thing in the world. I know we all don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that in a few hours from now, I will wake up hold my son and begin medication and therapy once again for another day.
My poor baby. What can he be thinking? I wish I could climb into his crib with him, hold him and tell him that everything will get better. WILL IT? This empty feeling is awful. His life is awful but am I right to say this. Sam does not know the difference. What kills me at times is when Carrie and I are eating lunch and he is lying on the floor looking at his. "What are mommy and daddy doing and why are they not with me". My heart breaks every day. I love you Sam and I love you Carrie. I promise to continue to fight for both of you every day and I will not rest until peace of mind, body and soul have been attained. Soon my love, soon.